Time and change.
Things are always changing.
I’ve been watching my children change seemingly overnight for the past few months, and it’s all happening too fast.
All my life, I have thrown myself into whatever I am doing 100%. I’m always “all in”. I’ve spent the last 30+ years of my life working several jobs at a time, burning my candle at both ends.
I have watched my older sisters’ kids grown up and leave home. This gave me reason enough to pause and look at my own kids. These kids that are such a huge part of who I am and what I do, that will someday leave home as well.
I am not ready for that, yet my oldest will be entering his sophomore year this year.
I sit and listen sometimes, from the other room, at my children’s voices and laughter. And I think to myself, “what will it be like when I don’t hear their voices anymore in the next room”? All of the silly, inside jokes that we have. The funny stories and goofiness that is ever present in our house….how will that be replaced by silence?
And, all of these years of working, and working…..for what? To miss out? I don’t want to miss out. I want to grab all of the moments, snatch them up and tuck them away somewhere safe. I don’t want this to end.
I always teeter on that fine line of walking away from everything, retiring, and focusing in on the US that is so heavy in this house. I convince myself that ANYONE can do my job out in the real world – and quite possibly, do it much better than I.
But, no one else can be “mom”. Only me.
I love when I steal away for what seems like mere moments, to fold laundry upstairs, or look for dinner in the freezer outside, and I hear….”where’s mom”? It always brings a smile to my face.
I’m right here.
I saw a quote the other day that made me pause and think. Hard.
“Just because you’re good at something, doesn’t mean you have to do it.”
Exactly. I don’t need to be all of the things. Just the most important thing to my people. I need to be mom. That’s it.
So, the journey of cutting away, dropping, leaving, walking away begins. It’s slow, but that’s ok. It will take time. But, I have time. At least, right now I do. So, I’m going to take it.
Soon, I will look around and notice time has passed. I don’t want any regrets. I want a brain full of memories, smiles, and hugs. And I want a heart so full, it will burst.